Recently, a man asked me the following question:
“Calle, can you tell me what's going on? My wife and I have been married for 15 years and after the first year, the sex started becoming less and less frequent. My wife simply wasn't in the mood for it…she didn't feel like having sex…she had a “headache”…she was “tired” or whatever.
Now, if we make love once a month it's a miracle and even then, she's clearly and obviously just “giving it” to me so I'll shut up and go away. It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, my wife just doesn't seem to have any interest in sex. And, that's how it's been for years. That's not how it was before we married and during the first year, but after that, it's like her desire for sex just completely disappeared.
And now…the latest thing I have discovered is that my wife seems to be having an affair. Of course, she is denying it but I'm seeing too many indications…too many red flags…and the last time we made love it was definitely like she had been in bed with another guy and since then, she has been even more distant and has shunned my approaches even more strongly than she has in the past.
So, my question is, how can a woman who has had no desire for sex all these years…who has avoided intimacy with me go have an affair with another man? That just doesn't make any sense to me…I don't get that!”
That's a good question don't you think? How can a woman who seemingly doesn't like or want sex go engage in sex with another man? Well, let's explore what's really going on by asking another question…
What kind of man does your wife want?
The answer to that question is my famous line, “A woman wants a man that she can have a positive and sexual reaction to.” A woman wants a man who understands and meets her needs. And, she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that is appealing, attractive, and sexy.
And, when the man who asked the question above didn't provide those things to his wife, she began to move away from him…she began to stop wanting sex with HIM.
BIG, BIG, distinction here…she didn't stop wanting sex…she stopped wanting sex with HIM. She stopped wanting sex with a man who wasn't turning her on sexually.
Now, the issue was not that this man was incapable of turning his wife on sexually. The issue was that he had not yet learned how to do that.
As a comparison, imagine that right after this man married his wife she started growing uglier and uglier until she eventually became this horribly grotesque woman. If this had happened, the man would have stopped wanting sex with his wife, right? Well, for a man, it primarily has to do with physical looks. For a wife, it primarily has to do with the feelings that the man she's with creates inside of her…and this man just needed to learn how to create the right feelings inside of her.
Your wife wanted sex in the past. She wants sex NOW. She wants sex in the future. So, if your wife doesn't want sex with you, then she wants it with someone else. If your wife does not want sex with you, I suggest you use that as motivation to become the kind of man that your wife wants before she goes and finds someone else.
Now, I want to raise a related point…
I was helping a different man recently who also found himself in an almost identical situation…he and his wife had been married for 18 years, wife had resisted and rejected sex for years…and then he discovered that his wife was having an affair, etc. Anyway, as I began talking with this man, one of the things he kept saying over and over was…
“Overall, I have been a very good husband and father!”
I'm sure you've heard other men say this about themselves, right? And in fact, you may have even said or thought this about yourself too.
But, let's ask ourselves, what does that really mean to say you are a good husband and father? Well, when you boil it all down, for most men it means three things:
- They are a decent provider.
- They aren't an alcoholic or drug-addict.
- They aren't physically abusive.
Now, here's what men must wake up and realize…none of those three things mean a man has satisfied, excited, or generated a positive and sexual reaction in his wife towards him. None of these three things mean a wife really respects or admires or is attracted to her husband.
In fact, all too often “I've been a good husband” really just means a man has been a soft, passive, be nice, put up with a lot of nonsense and misbehavior kind of guy…and that's NOT the kind of man a woman will have a positive and sexual reaction to. So, let me say it again…
A woman wants a man who understands and meets her needs. And, she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that is appealing, attractive, and sexy. For the sake of your marriage and any children you may have, I strongly encourage you to become this kind of man.